My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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