My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
