If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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