I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
