meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize