who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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