Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
