You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
