i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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