i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
