Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
