Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
