He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I want a musical about memes.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
