come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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