I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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