So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
