Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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