You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
