that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize