yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
