you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
