Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
