she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
