I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
do nipples grow back?
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