I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
