You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
