If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
