it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
