im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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