I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
