Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
