you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize