I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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