piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
