we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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