She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
