my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
