If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
