there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
