i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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