I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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