I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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