Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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