So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
