He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
