She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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