I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
