I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
