Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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