the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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