Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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