I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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