i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize