Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
