I should be sponsored by Trojan
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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