I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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