I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dear god my vagina.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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